Sunday, 30 October 2011

Buck Off

"The Chavs can't own their stadium as The Arsenal own their pitch"

It is often said that 'a win is a win.' Well yesterday proved that that is nonsense. Scraping a 1-0 at home to Swansea is not the same as turning the Chavs over on their pitch after being behind twice. Huffing & puffing against Bolton is not the same as humiliating the original hideous club in front of their plastic fans. Yesterday we finally got that dizzy excitement we deserve. Yesterday reminded us all why we do this.

"Calm down. Let's get excited when we beat a big club"

It is unusual for me not to be able to see a game but due to half term, children and a stupid kick off time I found myself wandering around a theme park, sharing headphones with my son, ignoring all the delights around us. It was not a game to follow on the wireless. Twitter provided us with more flavour but I realised the people I follow were an army of nervous wrecks and rightly so. When the radio reported us giving the ball away twitter reported it as the worst bit of football ever. When we passed the ball twitter transformed us into 1970s Brazil. Twitter magnifies the good and the bad. It gave us hope. It ripped out our hearts. At 1.30, Santos was the worst player to ever wear the shirt. By 2pm he was being mentioned in the same messages as Winterburn (not for his defending to be fair!) Radio 5, David Pleat and twitter were a toxic mix but eventually they all came through to report The Arsenal scoring 5 away at the Chavs. Relief if a little embarrassing as people stared as a family, briefly, did the aeroplane celebration and a mass jump up and down to the soundtrack of 'YESSSSS! YESSSSSS!' The roller coaster had been stomach churning but let's do it again. We felt dizzy.

"I've got pants with more history than Chelsea"

I hate (strong word but really applies here) the Chavs more than any other team. I've hated them for decades. There is something about their flash smugness that is instantly dislikable. Even before their history started they were detestable. Since they were bought as a plaything for the village idiot they have been unbearably vile reflected in their managers, players and fans. They are a classless, historyless club. They have a chairman who wants to 'beat the crap out of Arsenal.' Well Mr Buck, how did that work out for you? They have a collection of wankers playing for them. They have a manager who spends an hour a day licking himself. He's a horrible little Mourinho lite in an ill fitting suit and to wipe the self satisfied smugness off his stupid face is a delight. As for John Terry. The list of what makes him detestable is longer than the list of misses that makes Torres a hilarious waste of money. Seeing Terry slip and go down like a teammates wife was laying there was the icing on a very delicious cake that tasted of victory.


I know we are all getting carried away but why not? I know we still can't defend but if we are just going to score more than them then it's going to be quite a season. Maybe yesterday was an admission that the defence is hopeless. Attack is the best form of defence. That sounds fun! Doesn't it?!

It's been quite a week. A home win against Bolton in the milk cup to set up another home tie against Man City's multibillion pound reserves. The Bolton game was another we followed on the radio as my son and I travelled to Totton to see Cambridge City win 3-2 at the top club. The next day the AGM left many disgruntled by its stage managed nothingness. Silent Stan said little while PHW should've just provided photocopied handouts. Arsene saved the day. Nobody said we would beat the crap out of anyone. We do our talking on the pitch. Chelsea's pitch.

- Posted using BlogPress from an iTelephone.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Park the Horse and Cart.

I've not enjoyed an afternoon of football more for ages. Everything fell into place to make it a very agreeable few hours. Arsenal won. Man u were humiliated. The Chavs lost and ended with 9. I watched a boy I coached at 7 years old play on the Arsenal pitch as the under 18s beat their Chav counterparts. Spuds were the only team that didn't get the memo but they were playing Blackburn and you'd have to be a special kind of shite to lose at.... Oh.

Last week I felt we were nowhere near the corner & if we ever reached it we would probably hit the first defender. This week I think we can see the corner. It's at Stamford Bridge & a win there next Saturday might convince me & the army of grumpy old gits that this lot might have something about them. For so many games this season it's been hard to find too many positives. In recent weeks there have been more and more as the wins mount up.

Yesterday we saw a spirit not seen for a while. Stoke made no attempt to beat us. They parked the horse & cart with only Crouch a Delap throw away from his own goal. Yet we didn't give up. I was encouraged how we keep looking for a way to unlock the Neanderthals. Ramsey's lovely chip confused them and Gervinho neatly fired home. 1-0 to The Arsenal. Nothing can go wrong now?

It could because the ref felt sorry for the cavemen. A nothing free kick was given and while Stoke played pinball our back 4 stood about like a defunct boy band. 1-1. Not again. You do have to admire how The Arsenal defence come up with new and inventive ways to be inept. It's a skill.

The second half started with Chamack still cluelessly leading the line while our striker (world class) sat in the comfy seats. At this point I thought a win was as likely as a loss. I still don't trust the back 4. The goal aside they did OK but it'll take more than that to win me over. They are getting better but can collapse at a moments notice. My goodness we need Vermaelan back. We also looked blunt up front. Calling RVP!

The captain came on to the biggest cheer of the day & Stoke were in trouble. Twice Gervinho did brilliantly to set up the saviour and the game was won. Not a brilliant display but we are getting there & while the wins keep coming, who cares?

I was one of a few hundred that stayed to watch the Under 18s play the Chavs as I know one of the players. Having coached him a few years ago I felt oddly proud to see him playing in our colours on that pitch. I taught him nothing!

The under 18s 1-0 win added to the first team's 3-1. News of Man U's hilarious defeat had already been cheered as news of the Chavs marvellous afternoon filtered through. We strolled home smiling and laughing for once. It was a good day.

- Posted using BlogPress from an iTelephone.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

One Nizzle* to Da Arsenal

What a fantastic result. When the draw was made we slumped back in our seats at our group. Well half way through we are top. Marseille looked the stickiest of the sticky and we've just come away with 3 points. Many of us would've taken a draw. Arsene said 4 points from these two games would be great. He would've taken a draw. He was given a win and a lovely refreshing smile. Nice to see.

A draw looked most likely for 91 minutes. Marseille were a steaming pile of Sunderland with a sprinkling of Bolton yet, again, we lacked the invention to beat them without a struggle. Let's be honest it was about as exciting as watching cement set, painting it, watching that dry, adding soil, planting grass seed, watching that floated no boats, it buttered nobody's parsnips. It was boring. Marseille made very few attempts to worry us. This was a bit down to the back 4 and especially my MOTM Koschelny. He had one of his good nights tonight.

It was a game neglecting the seat's edge. Bottoms firmly planted back, angry birds on the go as the ball trudged about the pitch being given away to a person wearing a different colour. Nobody can cross a ball and the culprits we're duly replaced. We were on top for most of the game but it was a small mound of shite we had climbed. Marseille were a disgrace.

Despite the tedium 0-0 was a result. A win at home and Arsene's plan is complete. Suddenly a move of quality appeared. Ramsey! 1-0! Mental strength bent those bars on the window of the jail? A brief yet intense flash of joy in an evening of dullness. Enough to transform a great result into a wonderful one. Say we are top of the league.

5 wins out of 6 suggests we are OK. Maybe we've been spoilt in the past by dynamic and swift teams as there is still that little whiff of average about this team. We need a convincing stuffing of a team to inspire us all. The next fixture always looks tricky. Yet tomorrow is the time to worry about Stoke. From tonight's game we need to take a heady mix of back 4 solidity, spirit & Arsene's smile added to wingers who wing and strikers who strike. Tonight we celebrate a win. A win on Snoop Doggy Dogg's birthday*. A win on the very eve Westlife are disassembled. Don't you just love it when that happens?

*Turns out we didn't win on Snoop's special day. I was a day early. It just goes to show you should never believe anything Grandmaster Flash tells you.

- Posted using BlogPress from an iTelephone.

Monday, 17 October 2011

Bending over in the shower.

Before the game yesterday I tweeted 'win pretty, win ugly, just win.' Well that was about as pretty as Steve Bruce bending over in the shower. It started well. It looked like Steve wouldn't wash & keep the bag firmly on his ample head. Things started pretty. Within 31 seconds, with the stadium half full, we were ahead. Relax. We looked good. RVP had released the pressure. He spun Bergkampesque to see his chip tickle the post. He blasted wide. RVP was our Sunday roast.

Then it stopped. Steve removed the mask and started to unbutton. The confidence drained as we decided to let a really poor Sunderland make a game of it. They went close then won a daft free kick that an old boy planted beautifully. By the end of the first half Steve was soaping up. It was as ugly and unpleasant as that. Poor Jenkinson was caught and Cattermole made Sczzzzzer's dive look world class. Sunderland could've been 3-1 up but then so could we.

The second half was more of the same. We were generally on top but we are The Arsenal and they are the man u retirement home for pricks so we should be. Sunderland looked dangerous before the break yet resorted to assaults just outside their box in the second half. Maybe they knew how shit the free kicks would be. Twitter tweeted that we hadn't scored like that for 100 years as each inept player thumped them over. Finally RVP was allowed a poke. Boom! Top corner! Outta jail! 3 points.

For large parts of yesterday we looked like a poor 80s tribute team. Don Howe would be proud of how uninspiring we looked. The crowd feared the worst. Frustration set in. It was nervously quiet. Right or wrong the only noise is exasperation. We won. We won ugly. That's the form of Champions! 10 points in 2 months. That's the form of the bottom 3. That performance, as a whole, showed we are nowhere near the corner let alone turning it. Sunderland were utter shit and we weren't much better. WE WON! I know, that's great but the bigger picture worries me. We live on hope but for a lot of that we were less of it.

RVP is proving to be the world class player we all knew we had. He, unfortunately for him, looks like the 14 year old playing for the under 10s. He's too good for the players around him. Late at night, in bed, when the silence enhances your thoughts, you wouldn't blame him if the darkness persuaded him to leave sooner rather than later. He's good enough to play with the best & during his time with us we have got rid of them & replaced with the average. Granted all the other really classy players are broken but are there enough of them to make RVP want to stay. We need to give him a reason to stay. We need to give him the hope we crave. This summer was hopeless.

Yet while we keep scratching out wins the hope clings on. I've seen how pretty we can be and I want that back. No more managers covered in shower gel especially with Stoke coming to town. Win in France? Win on Sunday? No idea. We can but hope (& hide the soap.)

- Posted using BlogPress from an iTelephone. You think of Steve Bruce in a shower at your own risk. This blog will not be responsible for any trauma or therapy that may result.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Who stole St Tottringham's Day?

Right, let's face facts. We have a very average team on our hands here. I've been thinking it all season but I think today has confirmed it. We lost. Fair enough but we weren't beaten by the totts. We have beaten ourselves so often in the past few seasons I'm starting to think it is actually us who are the wankers.

Some were saying that was our best performance of the season. Some were saying there were positives. Some were saying we got some pride back.


If that was our best then we are in real trouble. We could've won that. We probably should've but we didn't. Brad Friedal had virtually nothing to worry him yet Sczzzzzer made some world class saves. We are no better than the spuds. That's where we are now. A fair to middling average team that will beat the likes of Bolton at home but will self destruct against the likes of Blackburn away.

We had chances but not many. RVP wasn't given one while Unlucky blasted over and Gervinho, with his hair out of his eyes like theatre curtains, somehow missed the target. The forwards (for they cannot be called strikers) let us down. The defence however was consistent. They let two soft ones past them. The first, a floated ball that Mertesacker and Sagna decided to ignore rolled down Van De Vaart's arm onto his boot and into our net. I couldn't give a Bale's uncle that it was a handball. The point is nobody was near him to stop him hand balling it. The second was just sloppy from just about everyone. We twated about in clearing it and Walker thumped it. Nobody went to close him down and he found a gap in our defence big enough to drive a burning bus through on it's way to fill up at Sports Direct. Song was miles out of position, the ball flew through where he should've been and Sczzzzzer fumbled it. Maybe a goalie error but I'll let him off because he is the only one keeping us in games at the moment. Song, despite being 5 yards from the ball, turned his back on it. Unforgivable! He did it at Chelsea and he's done it again. For a big man he's a bit soft. Is he worried that if the ball hits him all the dye will fall out of his hair and he won't look like a dickhead anymore? I don't want to pick on him as he was pulled all over the place due to our left back having a free role but today I seemed to be shouting at him more and more for being pushed off the ball and looking lost. Not his fault he's in the back four but I'm too irrational to be fair at the moment!

So we sit tonight 15th in the league after 7 games. We have amassed 7 points from those games so to describe us as average might be a bit kind. As it stands we are no good. How do you rate Everton and Wolves? That's how good we are. It's a brave and a bit shit new world. We need to stop worrying about the old rivals as they have changed. We need to hope Sunderland and WBA lose not Man U or Chelsea. We are in the poo and we need to scrape ourselves up this table but while we miss chance after chance and refuse to defend the bottom half will become a familiar home. We need to back this squad, what else can we do as fans? Yet, forgive me for not looking forward to the next game or the one after that. They could be wins. They could be loses. With this bunch your guess is as good as mine.

Exclusive offer to all readers. Fly anywhere in the world on Poland's newest airline at your own expense. 99% of the time Fly Szczesny flies through the air successfully. Rarely does it crash and burn like Easy Almunia.