Thursday, 6 January 2011

Peanuts, Chavs & Muppets

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Italians should not be allowed to manage a football team. Especially one with stupid floppy hair who ties his scarf like a wanker.

Mancini was scared of us. That was clear from the off. We ripped them to bits at their place and he was scared. He saw what we did to the other chavscum and panicked. He thought 0-0 was the best they could manage and he was right. They were able to muster no shots on target despite the squillions of pounds of talent on show. 10 men behind the ball at all times. It did look like the whole team were scared of Tevez's face as the homesick looker was left all alone up front. The plus side of all this is our defence looked amazing against a team making no attempt to score. It's odd really. They believe they can win the league and we are rivals. I expected them to really go for us. Its not like we are not beatable at home. We've lost to some right crap like spuds. You can spend all you like but the small club mentality was still there. It was like playing a team scraping for their lives at the bottom.

I think a team should let us all know before hand if they won't try to play. They should make a statement saying,

"we don't know how to beat you and have no intention of trying to, so we will kill the game, make no attempt to score, let you have all the ball but guarantee it will be 0-0 so save your £50 if you want to avoid a frustrating and disappointing evening. What will make it worse is we will time waste from the off and our players will fake numerous injuries at every opportunity. Our manager will, at the end, lie about how he wanted the team to play to win while secretly be physically excited about the dullest performance the Premiership has ever seen. If you can't take your chance that's not our fault"

I was struck by how useless Yaya Toure was. I quite liked him at Barca but he seems to have given up. He's clearly gone there for the money (like most of them) and he has a huge arse to keep up. He is a massive lump of a man who doesn't run or do anything. He was beaten in the air by Clichy for goodness sake. He tried to jump but his arse prevented it. He's trotting about and becoming a multimillionaire. Like Damien Hurst, he earns enough to live in a castle yet produces rubbish. He is my new God!

Talking of Gods it was great to see Pat warming up for them. He too is just taking their money like an overweight boxer fighting one last bout but good luck to him. Take their money, build up your bank account and come and become an Arsenal coach soon. You'd be most welcome. It was a shame Greedybayor wasn't there to hear how we greet real legends.

Another thing that annoyed me were the pundits saying Chavscum north were brilliant at what they wanted to do and Arsenal fans can't complain because of George Graham's tactics. Bollocks! George always tried to score and win the game. 1-0 to The Arsenal! They wrote songs about it. It was in the Full Monty. Nothing wrong with defending. It's an art the present Arsenal team would do well to remember but it has to go with attacking. George stifled games so we could win. If The Arsenal ever go anywhere for a 0-0 draw I'll fry my season ticket, put it between a stale bap and sell it to the club for £8. See how they like it.

Enough about the anti-football of last night and briefly onto a tradition that has become traditional between myself and The Man From EastLower. Every Christmas and Birthday we buy each other gifts that are suitable for a friend of donkey's years. We have exchanged many a caravan themed present over the years due to our utter horror of the thought of them. This year EastLower got me one of the finest. A Caravan bird house! Unfortunately it only attracts Great Tits.

I went for a selection box of cheap stuff. First up was an old school packet of peanuts. You'll have to be of a certain age to appreciate this but we miss him. Eastlower will one day revive this industry. "Peanuts, Decaff and skinny Mocha nuts, £6.50 a bag." Change is not always good.

However, I was proud of his 'big' present. I made it (a bit) and it's unique! Nowhere else is there a calendar of cu^ts. I was going to write that on it but was worried he would open it in front of his mother. When you see it it's clear what it is. A muppet a month, sometimes two.

Make one for a friend or loved one. It's easy to find 12 pictures of utter morons. Start with footballers and politicians. It's easy and it's fun. Ive started you off with these examples. Enjoy yourself!

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